Trigger Warning: Intimacy & Sexual Trauma
I cried when we made love today
Not because it was bad, no.
It was wonderful
Just like making love should be
His breath was a symphony
His eyes, a constellation
And his smile is a battle cry
I vowed to be his soldier.
He shows me who's in charge,
But we make a great team.
Two humans so beautifully in sync
With each other's minds, bodies, desires and souls
It simply couldn't be any better
And I hoped this moment could last
Until my past decides to pay a visit.
Brash and uninvited
Unwarranted and hazy
A single flash leaves me blinded
It only lasts a second
But a second is all it takes
To pull me from paradise
Down to a very familiar Hell.
"Don't you dare cry" I plead to myself
"For the love of God, please don't cry.
It's been ten years, you're stronger now
Keep your shit together, he doesn't need this."
Low and behold
My pep talks are in vain
Reality is blurry and my fingertips are numb
I close my eyes and pray he won't notice
But he does.
Every. Fucking. Time.
I hate the thought that the one I love
Must see my naked body and gentle tears
As they slowly descend
Of the memories I harbor
But knowing of the secrets
That bring me to this state.
He holds me as I tremble
And presses a finger to my lips
As I struggle for air and muffled apologies
Between paper thin, uneven gasps.
I shrink and crumble in shame
Hiding my face
So fucking embarrassed
That someone I haven't seen in seven fucking years
Still holds this reign over my body
And my freedom.
What started as a small stream
Is now a ferocious river
Roaring and relentless
From my lashes to my cheeks.
I flash back to reality
Just long enough to hear him whisper
"Don't be sorry.
I've got you.
I love you."
With his palm in my hair
And faith in his eyes
I cling to his side
I feel safe.
Despite the hurricane whipping through my soul
Deserting me at the bottom of this canyon
Surrounded by jagged walls impossible to climb
He still makes me feel safe
Just like he always does.
Every. Fucking. Time.
It was only ninety seconds
But I feel a decade older
We're no longer in paradise
As we snuggle in the sheets
But I guess New Hampshire isn't so bad
When surrounded with good company
And an uphill healing spirit.
Until next time, my love.
(c) Amanda McCarthy 2018
All Rights Reserved