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I Cried When We Made Love Today. {Poem}

Trigger Warning: Intimacy & Sexual Trauma


I cried when we made love today

Not because it was bad, no.

It was wonderful

Just like making love should be

His breath was a symphony

His eyes, a constellation

And his smile is a battle cry

I vowed to be his soldier.

He shows me who's in charge,

But we make a great team.

Two humans so beautifully in sync

With each other's minds, bodies, desires and souls

It simply couldn't be any better

And I hoped this moment could last

A lifetime.

Until my past decides to pay a visit.

Brash and uninvited

Unwarranted and hazy

A single flash leaves me blinded

It only lasts a second

But a second is all it takes

To pull me from paradise

Down to a very familiar Hell.

"Don't you dare cry" I plead to myself

"For the love of God, please don't cry.

It's been ten years, you're stronger now

Keep your shit together, he doesn't need this." Low and behold

My pep talks are in vain

Reality is blurry and my fingertips are numb

I close my eyes and pray he won't notice

But he does.

Every. Fucking. Time.

I hate the thought that the one I love

Must see my naked body and gentle tears

As they slowly descend

Blissfully unaware

Of the memories I harbor

But knowing of the secrets

That bring me to this state.

He holds me as I tremble

And presses a finger to my lips

As I struggle for air and muffled apologies

Between paper thin, uneven gasps.

I shrink and crumble in shame

Hiding my face

So fucking embarrassed

That someone I haven't seen in seven fucking years

Still holds this reign over my body

And my freedom.

What started as a small stream

Is now a ferocious river

Roaring and relentless

From my lashes to my cheeks.

I flash back to reality

Just long enough to hear him whisper

"Don't be sorry.

I've got you.

I love you."

With his palm in my hair

And faith in his eyes

I cling to his side

I feel safe.

Despite the hurricane whipping through my soul

Deserting me at the bottom of this canyon

Surrounded by jagged walls impossible to climb

He still makes me feel safe

Just like he always does.

Every. Fucking. Time.

It was only ninety seconds

But I feel a decade older

We're no longer in paradise

As we snuggle in the sheets

But I guess New Hampshire isn't so bad

When surrounded with good company

And an uphill healing spirit.

Until next time, my love.


(c) Amanda McCarthy 2018

All Rights Reserved

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