I was casually driving yesterday when I realized the only thing that's changed about my life, between now and a few months ago, is that you're not in it.
Yeah, I'm healthier and more positive, free from control, less anxious, not wanting to kill myself, blah blah blah. Which is all very good. But I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about life.
I have the same friends. I have the same hobbies, same career. I have the same schedule. I eat the same food, drive the same car, play the same guitar, breathe the same air.
The only thing that is any different at all, is that you're not around.
Life goes on with or without you. And it's a very bittersweet realization. On the positive side of things, LIFE GOES ON. That's obviously a good thing. But on the other hand... if nothing changed when you left, then what did you contribute to my life for almost 2 years?
That's what has me scratching my head. Because as I glance at the few remaining pictures I didn't delete from my phone (only because my daughter is in them), see your handwriting on the back of your business card that is still in my car, and the fact that I'm having trouble remembering what your speaking voice sounds like - I'm coming up with nothing.
I hear you and envision you reminding me to breathe. I still listen to you. Even after all this time and all you put me through, I still choose to listen. But it feels less like a memory and more like a hazy figment of my imagination.
I don't miss you, not romantically at least. Not even a little. I go back and forth on whether or not I miss you as a friend, but even then, I can now see all of the one-sided tendencies that I couldn't see before. I don't miss being unappreciated and I certainly don't miss being used.
But there must have been something. There must have been some reason I held on so tightly and fought so fiercely. Some important, measly, quantifying, life changing reason that I really believed I needed you to stick around.
But as I sit in this foreign Starbucks far from home, doing that millennial thing where I sip on my latte and drain their Wifi as I write this blog post - I've got nothing.
But man... every now and then I scroll past a meme that I wouldn't want to send to anyone else.
And for a split second, I wonder....
Nope. Still nothing.
I think I'm more upset that I can't figure out why I held on, than the actual fact that you're gone or that you ever destroyed me at all. You never realize that there are certain things you're just supposed to know, until you snap out of an auto-pilot trance on the highway one day and suddenly realize that you don't have a clue.
All I know is that I don't miss you, and that life goes on, with or without you.
New single Can't Look Back (released August 2018), available now on all music retail sites.
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