#30DaysOfPoetry #NovemberPoetryChallenge (Part 1/5)

For the month of November, I will be keeping a “poem diary” of sorts for my own personal #30DaysOfPoetry #NovemberPoetryChallenge. I will be publishing all pieces in short installments via this blog. Maybe it's good, maybe it's not, but I guess I'll never know if I don't put it out there.

Poetry is significantly more personal to me than songwriting and it shows when I write. I have an emotionally challenging month ahead so I figured I should make good use of it in more ways than one.

NOVEMBER 1ST

"Spectrum"

There's a tornado inside my head

I lose my ground in shades of red

But rose colored glasses destroy and delay

The inevitable storm of guilt and shame

I must acknowledge the rainbow

Light up the truth with a flash of yellow

Victory in hints of green

As I convince myself to intervene

It's okay to feel the blues

The lightest and boldest emotional hues

The purple floods my soul tonight

As the anger and sadness join to unite

But I won't run away

I'll allow myself to feel

I can't separate

From the things that are real

I won't dissociate

And I won't let them down

I promised I would change

And I'm proving it now

And suddenly, I see the bigger picture

As the prisms in my blood

Decipher all the colors

And process the pressure

That's eating at my eyes

And slamming through my skull

Coercing me to hide

Begging me to explode

But I won't

I will fight through the pain

And battle through the madness

As the rainbow cackles in my direction

But after years you've witnessed go to waste

You learn the battles you must not chase

I would rather shut it down

With a manifested curse

So here's to my spectrum

For better or for worse

NOVEMBER 2ND

"Life's A Bitch" Life's a bitch

We can't deny it

It sucks

I could scream, I could cry

Get on the ground and lie about it

Or I could be a mother fucking dare devil

Rise above and get riled up about it

Be the badass I see on Pinterest

Move forward through the sludge

No time to regress

When you're focused on winning

And sprinting ahead

So here's to the battles

And the weights I bear

No choice but to shred

What I'm not willing to share

I'm a beautiful mess

No perfection to show

But fake love is overrated

When your heart can't find a home

Within your own bones

So today, I challenge my insecurities

Call the bluff on my impurities

It won't happen overnight

And maybe not next year

But I will not fail, not again

I'll scream 'til I'm red in the face

For the whole fucking world to hear

I refuse to disappear

Into my own turmoil created by my brain

I've worked too hard to hang on to being sane

So hear me roar, my heart will reign

As I love myself through the sunshine

and the darkness

And the wind and the droplets

And the silence and the earthquake

Prepare to shake in disbelief

I refuse to be perfect

But I'm ready to be me

NOVEMBER 3RD

"Breathe"

You taught me to love the word

Breathe

Romanticizing your need

To fix me to your liking

And save me from myself

To the point where I no longer know

If what's wrong with my brain

Is fairytale figment

Or brazen reality

Inhale

Exhale

Breathe in

Breathe out

Don't cry

Don't shout

You hold me tighter

You douse my fire

And save me from my own precious glow

But a little bluebird

Rests on my shoulder

And reminds me,

"That's not how this works."

You taught me to hate the word

Breathe

You are not what I need

Or what I want to need

Or what I want to see

Or what I want to be

What good is it

To open my heart and lungs

To tainted air

Poisoned oxygen

Delusional nitrogen

That will only allow me to

Suffocate

But that little bluebird reminds me

That you cannot destroy

Life's gifts

Not like this

You are not my end game

You will not drag me down

To your level of insane

Simply inhumane

But I am breaking from your chains

Something. Needs. To. Fucking. Change.

Today I will teach myself to

Breathe

For me and myself

Alone

You cannot take away

What I've been given from birth

For that is out of your hands

And only in the hands of God

And only He will bring me to my knees

I no longer bow to your word.

You may know what you're talking about

But you no longer know me

Or my beautiful mind

Or my beautiful soul

My beautiful body

You relinquished control

As I gained back my freedom

And sought shelter from the cold

I will lift my arms to the sky

A powerful queen

A reckless force of nature

Destined to be seen

I will open my mind

To starting anew

For me

It's never too late

To take a step back and

Properly

Breathe

NOVEMBER 4TH: "Tick Tock"

Drip drop

Tick tock

I'm sick and tired

But there's so much to do

Bills to pay, things to say

I want to rest, but I must push through

Drip drop

Tick tock

The chills devour my body

But there's so much to do

Places to be, people to see

I just want to sleep, but not so soon

Drip drop

Tick tock

I'm sweating head to toe

But there's so much to do

I'm dying to live, but what kind of life

Means pushing yourself to the brink

In the blink of an eye?

Drip drop

Tick tock

Pay no mind to the time on the clock

Forget about all that you have to do

Honor your body before your work

For you can't accomplish anything

If your precious shrine cannot be preserved

Your body is a temple, an irreplaceable gift

So take today to take a step back

And take care of yourself first

NOVEMBER 5TH: "Eve"

Rain whispers outside my window sill

On this quiet eve

A shadow before the day

To make or break our nation

I hear the tears of the ancestors

Who brought life into our soil

Pining as their home is stolen

Right before their eyes

Not once, but twice

I hear the shaking of the slaves

Ripped so callously from their homes

Severed from their families

Dubbed inferior to the bone

Of course, that's not true

But for some, that's all they know

I hear the screams of my fellow women

Who are still not viewed as equal

To the men who place their egos

Their wallets and precious agendas

On a pedestal that even

The finest heels can't reach

In 2018

I hear the pleas of a community

Longing for the safety and freedom

To love who they love and be who they are

Without persecution

Coarse intrusion

No ill intent should ever be meant

They just want to know what it's like

To possess the basic human right

To feel alive

I glance at my skin

The palest of white

I look to my lover

A tall blonde man

However sweet,

I'm privileged to be

Pulled to who they dictate

And living as they believe

Who would I be if I felt differently?

If the man on the cross

Wasn't the icon that saved me?

If my skin was of a darker shade?

If I wasn't born with my future made?

Would I feel security?

Or rash impurity?

Would I be allowed to walk this Earth

Feeling worthy?

Would my children be fed?

Would I still have my meds?

Would the blood of others

Be wrongfully penned

On my innocent hands instead?

It's truly impractical to think

That one lone voice

Privileged or silenced

Has any clout on the future

Of a melting pot as broken and divided

As we are in this state

But maybe

Just maybe

That one lone voice

Can make just enough noise

To get the ball rolling

On a stronger tomorrow

Where justice can be served

And love can be celebrated

Without fear inhabiting the way

And if one voice turns to two

And two to four

And four to a million

And then a million more

Maybe we can blow the house down

And bring some reality to the changes

We once thought were impossible

In the midst of the storm

But it starts with one voice

In the middle of the night

Not afraid to admit

Some things just aren't right

Rain whispers outside my window sill

On this quiet eve

A shadow before the day

To make or break our nation

NOVEMBER 6TH: "Dawn"

History has been made

In wake of an eve

That could have seen

Landslide destruction

But with a glimmer of hope

And desire for change

With a call to action

The flickering flame remains

So tonight we celebrate

A full house of many shades

And many new faces

A progressive brigade

Witty and brilliant and savvy and gay

May the odds be ever in our favor

History has been made

All Poems:

(c) Amanda McCarthy. November 2018.

All Photos Courtesy of Pixabay.com

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