Let’s talk about intimacy.
Anyone can experience sex. It’s easy, it’s biology. You make sure one body part connects correctly with the other. Whether or not that’s enjoyable is totally subjective. If you can accomplish putting the parts together, congratulations! You have achieved the bare minimum. This is sex.
Intimacy though. Oh man. That’s a whole new ball game.
Intimacy involves digging deep. You can’t whip out a body part and magically have it in front of your face in a tangible form. Intimacy involves your heart, mind, body and soul joining together on the same wavelength, AND getting another person to achieve that same quadra-synchronization, AND getting both parties involved to achieve that synchronization on the very same level in the same moment.
(We’re gonna talk about sex now, alright? Spoiler alert, I’m a 25 year old female with a 4 year old daughter. This ain’t my first rodeo, and if you are offended by sex, I’ve got some bad news for you.)
I’m one of the lucky ones. While I am a sexual assault survivor, I had the opportunity to heal through music and be able to develop a healthy sex life when I was ready, although it certainly took me a bit longer to get comfortable with it compared to some of my friends who weren’t carrying trauma.
Beyond just sex alone, I discovered intimacy at an early age with the first man I chose to have sex with. We were young kids (17/18) but holy hell, I loved him with all of my heart. I went on to be with him for four and a half years, but alas, as people do, we split when life presented complications we couldn’t handle.
I had boyfriends after him. I had sex after him. And yeah, it was good. But it was never the same. As a survivor, learning how to be comfortable having sex was tricky, and I was very lucky to gain that experience with someone I loved and trusted so deeply. And I think that’s a huge factor in why I was able to experience true intimacy, and not just body parts rubbing themselves together. I had no choice but to open up my soul, and one way or another, his soul opened up and met mine, too.
I never thought I would experience it the same way again.
As I went on to be with new men, but without experiencing that same level of intimacy, I thought I had just grown and become desensitized to sex. I thought I became the “normal” human I always wanted to be when being truly comfortable with sex had always been a “reach goal” for me.
That is, until last night.
I’ve been with my current boyfriend officially for about four months now, but LOL, let’s just be honest, it should have happened long before that. That’s a story we won’t get into, but you’re just gonna have to trust me when I say that our mental and emotional connection far surpasses the four months that we have been “technically” together.
So we were doing that thing adults do sometimes. Whenever we find time for this, it’s not just a quick one-and-done thing. We really invest a lot of emotion and sensuality into our time together. It’s more than just an orgasm, it’s always an experience. That’s nothing new for us. But something about last night…
For the first time since I was younger, the level of intimacy I experienced went beyond what I felt with my first love. Far, far surpassed it, in one moment in time.
I looked at him and asked him to stay still. I felt like I’d had the wind knocked out of me. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to blink. I wanted that moment to stay still, forever. I wanted to soak in every bit of it. I met his eyes and touched his body. Despite being naked, it wasn’t sexual. It was an ultra-radioactive force superseding me and every molecule in my body. I thought to myself, holy actual fuck, THIS is intimacy. And it felt like paradise.
Until naturally, my mind thought of the only other possible circumstance that it could compare this to… which was when it would happen with my first love.
And all of a sudden I froze. I thanked my love for an awesome time and put my clothes back on. And I just laid there, and went into a full blown (silent) episode of anxiety.
I don’t consider this a deep freezing feeling of missing my first love, or feeling that he was replaced. I wasn’t sure how to process it, but after a few hours, I think I realized that the reason this realization hit me so hard was because I had just leveled up in the intimacy world. And after not experiencing it for so long, after becoming desensitized to intercourse, after leaving an abusive relationship and confronting a lot of my past sexual demons in the past year….
Achieving a new heightened level of intimacy, while it felt amazing in the moment, was absolutely terrifying when my mind really broke it down and processed it. But how does that make sense? How does someone who once opened up her soul so easily, suddenly feel the need to shut down the moment she realizes her soul is wide open once again?
I finally fell asleep, and slept off the anxiety, which is how I’m able to process these thoughts currently as I type this out to you. Now that I’ve worked it out mentally and achieved peace, I am incredibly thankful for the experience I had with my present love last night. I consider myself truly blessed to have found a love so pure, strong and magnetic that it allows our souls to open up to these kinds of moments.
It also got me thinking about just how strong the power of intimacy can be, and how someone like me who once struggled sexually may have perceived these experiences differently from others early on. I used to feel that intimacy was easier to accept than the physical aspects of sex. I was confused when I saw my friends having sex with people they didn’t know very well. I didn’t understand that this was normal… I also didn’t understand that what I was feeling was ALSO normal. It would take me longer than I’d like to admit to realize that sex is not the same for everyone. I now look at some of these same friends as they struggle to establish true intense intimate connection with their sexual partners and potential lovers. I look at the gift I received with my first love as a young adult, and the gift I received from my current love last night.
I suddenly feel as if it was something I always took for granted.
True intimacy is stunning, magnetic, invasive, inviting, terrifying and beautiful all at the same time. I’m blessed to know it.
Until last night, that section of my soul had been dormant.
Welcome back to the world, Intimate Amanda.
You have a new friend to create beautiful memories with.
You have been missed.
It’s up to you whether you let me know in the comments or if you simply reflect in your own head, but which one comes easier to you: sex or intimacy? Are you satisfied with your answer?
My next album will be addressing a lot of deep emotions... attraction and intimacy being one of them. The tune really centered around this topic is called "Just One Night" and won't be available until the album comes out in June. So make sure to follow me on >> Spotify << so that you're the first to hear the song when it finally goes public, and to like my page on >> Facebook << to keep updated on album release announcements!
Photo credits to Hana Kahn.